I watched as god began the last stage of his death. Unlike humans, those of us who dwell in the highest realm know when we will die. I still have many ages in front of me, but they will never be the same again, I’m sure, once god has, perished. But before his time is gone I know I must make this one confession, this one confession that forever changed everything. How, how do I begin to tell you about my deception.

If only the humans were right. They think of god as omnipotent, all knowing, all seeing, everywhere all the time. Nothing could be farther from the truth. God relies on a whole cast of players who report to him on happenings. Happenings in the heavens, happenings on the earth.  Each player has their role, and for everything to work, that role must never be deviated from. Perfection is a requirement. But even the lowliest human knows that perfection is an illusion, and the farther one is from god the more exaggerated this illusion becomes. Just look at the humans; deplorable; no one adheres to their role; chaos.

 

               When god created the first humans he saw the potential for this chaos, even before Lucifer deceived Adam. Soon after the humans were cast out of Eden god appointed me, Gabriel, as an overseer, a protector of sorts for the humans. At the same time he appointed Azreal as the Angel of death, for now the humans would need help transitioning out of their world and into the lowest realm. Azreal and I were beloved by god. Ages before we had stood closest to his side as he conquered the Sant-Sariphi and won the right to create the humans. We were his favorites, and we loved him.

 

               Lucifer was not the creature that humans rendered him to be in the beginning, although I’ll admit, he is closer now to that portrayal of ultimate evil. Lucifer knew what we all thought we knew at that time, that the humans would be a terrible creation and in the end would bring shame and dishonor to our realms. God had critics, within and without. No one could reason with him, he was determined and Lucifer was furious. He had stood in good favor with the Sant-Sariphi before he was forced to choose an allegiance with god, and he was not quick to forgive especially since he did not believe in the cause. But he was loyal and true, at least in the beginning.

 

                   In truth I harbored a grudge against god in the beginning of the human age as well, but my feelings were deeply hidden. When I saw the first pair I scoffed at their “perfection”. They looked like us but without everything that makes us beautiful, and they seemed so small and insignificant. God had given them something though, he had never given us, and that was, intriguing. He gave them the ability to create, and being clever as god was he made them dependent on each other to make that happen. A number of us looked on at first with curious eyes, oh the glorious wonder. Later, some, including myself, seethed with jealously as we watched the interactions of man and woman. Why would he deny us that power, those feelings, that kind of touch. We had not known what we had missed, if only it could have stayed that way.

 

                 There were many of those like Lucifer though that remained aloof and disgusted with the humans. One such angel was my closest friend. We argued endlessly about the humans, but I never let on about my jealousies.  While I remained pious and noble in all my arguments, he was indignant and unforgiving, hard, malevolent. He fought with us when we battled the Sant-Sariphi, not because he was forced, not because he believed in the cause, not even because he was loyal to god, he fought for the pure joy of the fight. He was so strong and beautiful. He was Michael. God had no special feelings for Michael, though the humans believe that Michael was his favorite, the first of many mistruths of theirs. God thought of him as a shallow and superficial being at best. I knew there was much more to him, but like a father with too many children, god ignored him and favored the ones that captured his attention the best.

 

                There came a day when I was off by myself, exploring god’s planet earth. He had put a lot of effort into his creation and I was enjoying it. God was an artist above all. I drifted down from my perch and begun walking with the humans, they could not see me. I was content to mill about for a while when I saw something, so oddly attractive to me, it stirred in my center. I couldn’t move. It was the most beautiful daughter of man I had ever seen, and there where thousands by that time. I watched her in amazement as she washed her clothes in the river. I had become so entranced with her that I had not noticed the other Angel walking among the humans. It was the ferocious bark of a dog that finally broke my trance. When I looked around to see what had provoked the canine, I saw him, Alcicrious of the third order. I had not known that he had any interest in the humans at all; he had always been indifferent to the topic whenever it had been raised in his presence. I quickly hid behind a structure so that he could not see me, and I watched him closely. He stood behind a daughter of man and reached out his arms and embraced her, only to pass through her and end up with his arms clasped on themselves. I continued watching him, as his frustration appeared to grow. What I saw next I would have never believed possible if I had not seen it with my own eyes. Alcicrious walked into the wooded area behind the encampment of humans.  Slowly, and with what appeared to be complete concentration, his Angelic body disappeared and a human body formed. I was aghast; I was amazed, I was, I was jealous. How had he done this? He walked out with his fully formed human body and grabbed a cloth to wrap around his loins from a pile that sat next to the river waiting to be washed. He never saw me as he passed by. I continued watching. Alcicrious approached the same young woman he had desperately tried to embrace earlier. She sat by herself near the trees. After talking to her for some while I saw him smile and touch her legs. She seemed apprehensive yet charmed. Finally she rose to leave and as she did Alcicrious stood with her. He cupped her face in his human hands and leaned down to touch his lips to hers as we had watched humans do many times. She pulled away slowly and then walked to her home. When out of sight Alcicrious began his transformation back into Angelic form. When he was away I sought solitude to contemplate what I had just seen. If Alcicrious could pull off this feat then surely I could. Alone I practiced. I practiced concentrating on the transformation for hours. I was losing hope that I had the same capabilities, for I felt nothing. It was at the last moment of failure when I held my head in my hands that Alcicrious whispered to me “You must make your body first, in your mind.” I was revealed, Alcicrious had spied upon me as I had spied upon him and now we both knew each other’s secret. I looked at him, asking him with my expression if he would keep our secret. As he looked at me he transformed once again into a human.

With this newly learned information I began again my attempt. I went deep within myself and created in my mind the type of human man I wanted to be. At that moment I felt a pounding exhilaration. I looked down at myself and couldn’t believe the miracle that I was. I was a human man, my heart was beating, I felt air in my lungs. I had created. I was the creation. I turned to Alcicrious and he laughed. After my amazement began to subside, I saw an image in my minds eye that reminded of why I had started this, that beautiful woman. I told Alcicrious of her and he told me of his affections for the young woman I had seen him with earlier. “I am going to make her my wife, I am going to live here on earth as her husband,” he said. “I am in love.”

Alcicrious made good on his word and he married Rayen of Cain. I pursued the woman that I had seen that struck me so deep, but she did not respond to me the way that Rayen had to Alcicrious. She didn’t look at me with love and passion; in fact she wouldn’t look at me at all. She was constantly seeking the attention of a young man who was cultivating the fields daily. He would be covered with dirt and sweat and she would reach out to touch him. She giggled when he brushed her arm and left a smudge mark of dirt.

When I couldn’t take the frustration anymore, I would transform back into Gabriel the Archangel and retreat until another day. Alcicrious’s absence in the realm became noticed by many, and when investigated it was found that he was on the surface of the earth living as a human man. A firestorm was ignited among the Angels. Several began seeking out Alcicrious on earth to learn of how he had made this transformation. Within a very short time several Angels had taken human bodies and a daughter of man for their own. This information traveled quickly to god who then focused his attention on the issue. He came close to the earth again, having left it after the tragic events of Adam. He hadn’t left it unattended though and now he sought me for answers. “What do you think of these unions?” Is all he asked of me. I could not reveal my true feelings to him, I was these humans protector, and I knew what he wanted to hear “Should not be allowed” I answered. He looked at me intensely, and then left. Later god spoke to all “These unions were never apart of my original plans, they don’t….feel…right to me” he paused and scanned the crowd of heavenly creatures “however, I can not find reason now to stop them. My sons, exercise caution, do not cause harm, refrain when you can….when you should.” Then once again god retreated to his portion of the heavens, and like that the issue was resolved and most went back to their respective roles.

Male children began to be born to those that remained on the earth. They were large, obtrusive and vile. No matter whom the child was born too, not one angel could produce a suitable son. Within 30 earth year’s time 200 of these offspring named “The Nephilum” roamed the earth. Humans were scared of them; they could not be controlled. One tragic day god lost his patience when he happened to witness a ruthless act of rape committed by one of these Nephilum. In an instant his wrath had obliterated the lives of every last one of them. Then one by one he changed each transformed Angel into sterile aging human permanently. How easily that could have been my fate. To live and DIE as a human. I had escaped, but 154 of my brethren began their deaths that day.

 

                       During this time there had been a rather opportunistic man who was called Noah. He lived far away from most of the population and had succumbed to a very poor season of growing. Knowing that he had nothing he created a fanciful story of how god came to him to save him while flooding his land and killing all the bad people. Humans have always been gullible and ate up Noah’s stories that got bigger every time he retold them. Soon people were giving him everything he wanted including notoriety. Humans recorded yet another untruth as history in the story of Noah and the flood, going as far as to say that god used this flood to kill the Nephilum.

 

                    From that time forward the Angels and the humans existed separate from each other. I myself lost a great deal of interest in them. I carried on doing my heavenly business like the others, while humans became fouler and fouler. Every once in awhile I would look in on them and they would always be fighting. Michael once said that he wished that he had transformed just once so that he could fight with man, for they seemed to have the most splendid conflicts.

 

                 Time was flowing by markedly. Nothing extraordinary was happening, it was business as usual for all beings. God was arguing to the remaining Sant-Sariphi, that although his experiment with humans hadn’t been a complete success that it had not been a miserable disaster either. He planned to showcase the humans as part of a demonstration to the Sant-Sariphi in the hopes that they would not start another war over his plans to create another race of creatures. He felt, he had learned so much since the humans, that he could make a truly viable people to inhabit the universe, and since heavenly creatures do not procreate, but they do die, it was imperative to god to leave something behind that lasts forever. The Sant-Sariphi are content to just let the fire burn out, something god could never do.

 

              God spoke to me of his plans and told me to ready an area on the earth for him to show. I took Azreal and Michael with me and we set about trying to locate the perfect place for god to bring the Sant-Sariphi. It had been so long since I had been down to the earth. Nostalgia seized me momentarily but I could say nothing, Azreal and Michael never knew that I had transformed, and of my desire to be with a woman.

We came upon this land that was at once forbidding and welcoming at the same time. The humans were broken up into groups that were somewhat small in numbers that seemed very controlled. They answered to a larger group of humans who had a representative within these smaller communities. Each group envisioned a different god, had different rules, but yet they managed to get along. Surely this level of complexity and interaction was perfect to showcase. We sent word to god that we were ready for him to bring the Sant-Sariphi down. When they would come we did not know. Many earth days had passed and we had not heard anything from god, but we continued at our posts waiting. On the eighth day of our venture I left Azreal and Michael to search for a certain plant that god had created that was so bizarre that words couldn’t explain it, it was actually carnivorous. Michael doubted it’s existence and I was to prove him wrong. I looked and looked but found nothing. On my path back I noticed a woman who sat alone singing to herself. She was very beautiful. At once I was awe struck. I sat near to her and watched as she brushed her long black hair, still singing softly. As I sat there listening I envisioned myself with her. I don’t know how much time had passed before I realized that she had stopped singing as was staring with fear in my direction. I had transformed, right before her eyes and I was not aware of it. “Do not be afraid,” I said to her quietly “I am not going to hurt you.” “What” she stammered, “What are you?” What was I going to tell her; it appeared to her that I had come from nowhere. Why I said what I said next I do not know. “I am god. I came from the heavens to look closer at you, you are my most beautiful creation.” The woman smiled at me, she was charmed. I continued speaking with her until her fears had vanished. She believed I was god, and she was taken with me. I moved closer to her and touched her. I kissed her and stroked her hair. My hands slid down to her breast, then to her stomach, then to her thighs. I told her what I wanted to do with her and she welcomed me. I could not help myself. I had relations with her and even upon completion I was reluctant to let go. It was everything I thought it was going to be and I didn’t want it to end. Finally I let her go to return to her father’s house. After I cleared my head I changed back to my Angelic self and headed off to meet Azreal and Michael. They need never know of this, no one need ever know of this I repeated to myself over and again. When I found them their last bit of patience was eroding, waiting for god to make an appearance. I had resigned myself to the belief that god could not convince the Sant-Sariphi to come and that was a relief to me. I told Azreal and Michael that we were leaving. 

 

The next series of events happened so fast that I still reel from it. As we were about to leave god emerged from above with a large coalition of Angels and Sant-Sariphi. He thanked me prominently and then began describing briefly the history and setting of the humans we were to examine. God was so eloquent. With each sentence we moved closer to the humans, from the landscape that saw thousands of them, to a village of hundreds, to a street with tens, and finally to the temple that had only three. God appeared to be most proud, for a brief moment. We moved closer in and I became instantly ill. The three in the temple were two men, priests that were heavily robed, and a woman, crying and rocking on her knees. God tried to turn the Sant-Sariphi away, to direct their attention elsewhere but they were captivated. The priests stood before the woman “you expect us to believe this?” the said with raised voices. “I do not lie” the woman cried, “I do not lie”. “You can not continue with this story,” said the smaller of the two priests “you will be brought to the village center and stoned for your sins” the other scoffed. The woman looked up at them and then cried out “I am carrying the child of god, he will not allow you to kill me, he chose me, GOD CHOSE ME” she continued with an uncontrolled anger “god appeared before me, he chose me, he laid with me, and I can feel his child in my belly, I know it is there even at this early hour. His child will be the end of you” she said defiantly “and you know that. You will not kill me, you will not kill my child, ONLY YOUR DEATHS ARE IMMENENT!”
The Sant-Sariphi gasped and turned to god, who appeared smaller and weaker than I could have ever imagined him to be. “This is why you have brought us here” they questioned, “To show us how you TRULY want to create, what you TRULY want to inhabit the universe with…your ill-begotten spawn?!?” Shocked god tried to answer, “No, no, this human is lying…” But as he began they disappeared. Only the Angels remained. The appearance of weakness that had been god only seconds before was replaced by an anger of his that I had never seen, not would ever see again. “Who” he bellowed, “who would dare to break my law, and cause me such disgrace?” Enraged he looked through the faces of the Angels. He roared incoherently then spoke “I’ll kill them all, I’ll destroy everything” I knew what I had to do at that moment, for if I didn’t god would destroy those people and possibly, even us. As I opened my mouth Michael threw himself at the feet of god. “Please” he began slowly “please do not kill these humans, it was I who came to the woman.” I couldn’t believe what was happening, I went to move closer and Azreal grabbed me. I looked at him in confusion “Let me go Azreal”. “No” he said. He pulled me back. I resisted, but know one paid any attention to my plight; they were spellbound by the confession in front of them. “Azreal, stop” I demanded. “God is going to kill Michael. Let me go” He continued pulling me back. “Azreal” I pleaded with more desperation “Let me go”. I tried to free myself from his grasp. “Azreal, please, I have to go save Michael” He leaned in close to me “Michael will be fine, he knows what he is doing.”
“No, no, no he doesn’t Azreal, it wasn’t him”
“Quiet yourself” he said fiercely.
“Azreal” I said calmer and quieter “it wasn’t him, god must know the truth, it wasn’t him.”
He looked at me for a moment and then spoke “God, god doesn’t want to know the truth Gabriel. The truth would hurt god far deeper than you can imagine” He leaned in so close to me that our faces touched “we saw what you did Gabriel.” Stunned I was speechless. I stopped resisting Azreal’s embrace. “What about Michael” I cried “What about Michael?”
God was silent when Michael prostrated himself before him. With all looking on god finally spoke. “Why” he seethed “why?”
“My Lord, I am sorry, I could not help myself,” Michael answered.
“You” god said with contempt “you were always a beast, a self-centered ravenous beast”
God stepped back. “You want to be a human? You will DIE a human. I will place you in the belly of the woman you lusted and you will be her child so that you can know HUMILIATION before you know death.”
Michael rose to his knees “I will pay the price for my sin”
“Disperse” god yelled to the crowd of Angels “Everyone leave…except you Gabriel and you Azreal”.
Oh I felt fear, intense fear. As the angels left I felt more and more exposed.
“Come here” god said to us. As I approached I laid my hands on Michaels shoulders. I couldn’t believe the sacrifice he was making. Why would he do this? I knew, I knew the answer to that question. Azreal was right; god would have been destroyed if he knew that I had betrayed him. He never liked Michael; his betrayal was easy, almost expected. His confession would save the lives of humans and Angels alike. My confession would almost surely be the catalyst to all of our deaths.
“Azreal, Gabriel, you will go to that woman and take her away. Find her a husband in a new land. Do not give credence to her belief that she is carrying the son of god. In time, she will let go of that dream. Michael shall not occupy our memories any longer”. He then looked down at Michael. “For your sins, and theirs”.  He placed his hand on Michael’s head. Michaels face grimaced in pain and then faded away. And just like that, he was gone.

God had given his orders and we were to fulfill them. How could I follow them though? After what Michael had done for me, for everyone how could I let god order me to forget him and tell others to forget him. He should be remembered, he should be celebrated for his selflessness, he paid the price of our deaths. I was convinced and nothing was going to distract me.

Azrael and I went to the woman, Mary, and I appeared to her once again as god. I told her she was indeed carrying the son of god in her womb and all will have to know. We did as god said to do, we found her a husband, we took her away and we saved her. We had just one change to god’s plan; we were going to make Michael unforgettable. I told Mary to name the child after me, who she thought was god, and she did. She named him Jesus, which in her language meant “son of god”. For the next 30 earth years I facilitated the rise of a hero in secret. My success was beyond imagination. In the end Michael, who is Jesus, became…god. To the humans he was god. The irony, I thought to myself, the irony of a brute like Michael, being the peacemaker that god always wanted to be.

There it is, my confession.

I would take this to god and give it him before he passed into death. He will be angry but maybe he can forgive me, and maybe the rest of my time I can live without the guilt I feel from my deceit.

I rolled up my document and took my journey to the portion of heaven where god resides. I practiced what I would say along the way  “It is with a heavy heart that I give you this confession, but please know that I do love you.”

The archway appeared before me and I slowed my approach. I mustered the strength that I would need to face god and his possible rejection of me. I was fearful again. I doubted myself momentarily then I said aloud “walk into that room of god’s, look at him and tell him the truth finally.”

 

I passed through the archway. Suddenly I was so dizzy and images pounded me like the harshest rain. My chest caved inward and I couldn’t move. The document fell from my hands and burst into flames. The ashes swirled steadily in a backwards spin. A blinding light shot into my eyes and surrounded my body. I felt like I was rising. Then suddenly everything cleared and I was in the room of god. Everything cleared and I now understood. How could I have been so ignorant? I shook my head as I laughed at my idiocy. God turned to look at me. He had known, he had known all; it was all his design, HE HAD KNOWN. God was all knowing, all seeing, everywhere. I was a fool, we were all such fools. It had taken so much to show me my role. A role I will never deviate from again, for we all have our place in perfection.