Ben's Coffee House

same as title

                     Oh I suppose it might be easier for you guys if I left a forwarding address now wouldn't it? I can be so retarded at times. Well come visit me here. http://plazticman2.spaces.live.com/. Its my new home. Hope to see you all there soon.

Look for my return full time next week. There is much to discuss.

Happy Birthday to me Happy Birthday to me

Haappyyy Biirrthdaaaaaaaaayyyy to meeeeeeee

Happy birthday to me

                        Just dropping a line for two reasons. First I am OK. This midlife thing kinda hit me hard and I am still working out my life. Me and the wife are still married but living seperatly. I will write again. Someday. But the Second more important reason why I am writing today is bigger than some middle aged man dealing with his day to day existance. One of the first bloggers I came in contact with and started commenting to is located in Lebannon. Please stop by his site http://spaces.msn.com/members/MacDara/ I hope all is well with him.

This weekend I am feeling strange. She is already packing things up and I have nowhere to be. So I sit and watch her pack. We joke about things we have I start to comment honestly on some of the art we have on the walls. " Ben, do you want the Brassi?" "No I really hate it." "You do? Why?" Because all it is is a bad photograph that someone stuck light bulds in to try and make it better." We both laugh. "Well I like it so you wont mind if I take it." One of the kids press Yoda's hand and he sez "Clear your mind" She starts to pack it. "Hey you aren't taking yoda are you?" "Well he was a gift to me." "But I need Yoda for my blog." I then pick up Yoda and explain the situation of me and Elizabeth getting a divorce and tell him that I will respect whatever descion he makes. "Yoda do you want to stay with me?" He responds "The Answer you seek is Yes." The family laughs and I keep Yoda. I wonder though weather or not he really wants to stay. He only told me the answer I sought.

                      I have seen a few comments regarding wheather or not I should be writing these things for all the world to see. mabee they are right. After all this is just a bunch of overdramatized over emotional crap. Am I going to look back and read this later and say "What a big baby you were, Whinning about not haveing love or being loved."? Probably. Is the general public out there really interested in reading about the cess pool that is the mind of an average factory worker? Probably not. Is it possible that by exposing my feelings to the world I run the risk of getiing hurt or hurting those close to me? Probably. So with this logic I really should not be putting this stuff here. I have always left this stuff out of my blogs before. I mean really a marriage as long as mine just dosen't dissolve in one day and I always tried to be possitive about her on this blog. So why blog about it now? I don't know. I think this blog is more than a place to write down how I feel today. It is more like I write down how I want to feel. Or I write things down because I am not sure How I do feel and by writing it down I can pin down my feelings. Kinda like when you are hurting all over and the doctor asks "Where does it hurt?" Usually we just point to or a say a general area than he pushes and prods till he finds the exact spot. "Does it hurt when I do this?" I guess that is why I am keeping all this public. I want to show you were it hurts. Why it Hurts and see if any one knows when will it stop hurting.

 

 

                A few of you have been very very kind and offered your e-mail address in order to offer more support. I have added my E-mail under my profile so if you want to e-mail me please feel free and I will try to respond. My wife? ex wife? My friend who spent twenty years trying to make me a better person and co raiser of my children? How about from now on I just call her Elizabeth. Elizabeth sent me a very interesting article on Judas. Aparently they have just confirmed the authinticity and dated a manuscript that implies that Jesus wanted Judas to betray him. She sent this to me because this is something both of us have pretty much thought already. Although I wonder if Jesus had the foresight to know he needed to die to show his message of love did he know already that Judas would betray him? Was he just trying to let Judas know that he knew? If there is a judgement will Judas be forgiven? Who are we to say. What I do know was that both Judas and Jesus were hurt by this infamous betrayel "Judas must you betray me with a kiss?" So much about love and emotions in that one little passage. As time goes by and the rush of emotions settle the clouds began to lift and I start to see more and more of the landscape. We are not angry with each other. Hurt? yes. Dissapointed? Yes. But the Anger that has been there so many times before is not there. Thus the discusions are cival and kind. But the betrayal of a promase made is there. So in a way the same is for us. A betrayel with a kiss. She will always be my friend. I will always like her. I just could never love her the way she deserves to be loved. I think parting as friends will be harder than the screaming and kicking. At least with the screaming and kicking I could say "See she is just a crazy B***h !" But she is not. She is a good person who deserves better than I can give.

 

                                   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We all know I love coffee. I need coffee in the morning or my day wont quite be right. This is for several reasons but alot of it has to do with the physical addiction that I have for coffee. I NEED coffee. Just the smell of it fills me with such a feeling of Happiness. Coffee gives me a sense of physical pleasure as the warmth enters my mouth and surronds my body. I get excited when I know I am about to enjoy a good cup and I get grumpy when I can't have it. So I say "I love Coffee". But do I really love coffee? Does Coffee return my love. If I saw someone else enjoying a cup of my coffee does this infurate me? I know I have said before english word for the emotion love is just to vague so I am going to ask you a personal soul searching question in an attempt to find the answer I am looking for.

 

                                Tuesday's blog topic is as follows:

 

 

I guess the ending can't really be like that. Just a farewell and than gone. Besides mabee I am looking at this wrong mabee NOW i NEED to write more than before. I had a good conversation with a good blogging friend and she gave some very good advice. She said Don't go just yet. Explain. type. work it out here. I think I will try. You see I am filled/emptied by my emotions. They ebb and flow like the tides. When I was a teenager the chemicals that flowed through my body governed my every action (yes some of the chemicals were man made but it is not those of which I speak) As I grew older My electronics started taking over the chemical side and I slowly began to make sense of the world. By the time I was thirty I had a clear understanding. My Logical side had taken over and I was in control. For ten years I have been given the gift of seeing logic over emotion. During those ten years I found a career struggled with finances and tried to repair damage I caused to my wife. Now the next phase is hitting. My Emotions are restruggling for control. I find myself in a constant NEED to snuggle. to hold someone. to have another soul rap itself around mine. Its like I am in a state of vacum. It is almost like when I was a teenager but completly different? I am going to try to explain logically the illogical in an attempt to regain control. When young boys reach puberty it is critical for the survival of our speacies that they feel compelled to reproduce. They are drawn illogically towards the oppisite sex in a mad desire to find a mate. Since the human speicies is very diverse some are hit stronger than others. When I was young I was hit so strong I was incapable of thinking about anything else. (Haveing OCD's didn't help) While this uncontrable feeling started to fade it has never truly left. In order to insure my needs were constantly met I got married. I mean if your married you get it all the time whenever you want right? Wrong. I struggled with this stupid illogical logic for twenty years. What I got in return was a wife who is afraid to by physical with me at all because she is afraid of realeasing my animal. Remember I said we are all diverse right? Not everyone has the same needs right. Just my luck I married someone who's physical needs were about 100 times less than mine. To give you an Idea just how unbalanced I am Last month me and my wife were physically intertwined about 3 times. To me it was like getting one meal everyother day. Enough to survive but not enough to satisfy. Also I again will state that this is AFTER thirty. AFTER I regained some control. Two weeks Ago The chemicals in my body changed. I began to realize that for 19 years an important part of my relationship was missing. For 23 years I have been so intent on getting to the destination I have forgotten about the journey. I knew the hugging and holding and kissing were missing however whenever I brought this to my wife's attention she would point out that when ever she did that would mean just one thing to me. Of course I would deny this but in my heart I knew she was right. So I did not push this. Slowly over time this has created a void inside me until now I am a human hugging vacum. I guess what I am trying to say is "I need a hug" Alot of hugs. Mabee a few kisses to. What? oh sure tounge is nice in a kiss but nothing pornagraphic. ok? I am going to try and work through this but I am an emotional wreck so give me some time. Thank you Jade you were right I do feel better already. I will be back with a topic.

Well this is it. I am done. I have said all I want to say and have nothing left in me. I am afraid I must leave blog land. I just wanted you all to know it was fun while it lasted however all good stories must have an ending and this is it.

 

 

 

 

 

                   Sorry guys I ams uffering from writers block this weekend so I do not have a coffee story for you. So without further ado here is Tuesdays blog walk topic:

 

 

                                  If a could choose an actor to play my life I think I would have to choose William Shatner. If imitation is the sincerist form of flattery, everyone must love this guy. I beleive one out of three people have some sort of Shatner imitation skit in them. Plus I think he would be perfect for my scenes.

 

Scene: Any given morning in my kitchen. Ben has just woken up bags under his eyes wearing baggy sweats and a tee shirt.

 

Ben: I...Must... Get coffee.

 

Or how about this one

 

Scene: Ben opening his phone bill last week

 

Ben: (yelling) Kids! Kids! Kids!

camera zooms out with each yell. First out to outside his house then a shot of the state followed by the continent followed by the globe.

 

 

On a seperate and completly different note I love the weather here in MO. USA. You see I spent most of my childhood growing up in the Seattle area. The weather there for the most part is very monotone. I have been told it is very simualer to England. alot of grey. Here on the otherhand you never truly know what you are going to get last week we had temps of 70 sunnydays. A few big storms and a couple of rainny days. Today it is 31 and snowing. We got about 2"-3" inches of snow last night. Crazy huh? All right I am heading out to visit my fellow blog walkers. If you are just visiting for the first time go check out the bloggers in the blogwalking list to the left. They have written a post on the same topic and probably have better answers than mine. Also do not forget to put a nickle in my coffee can by clicking on one of the adds directly beneath my pics.

                        Well I did it. I roasted my first coffee beans this weekend. First and foremost I want to thank ZuZu for this most excellent adventure. If it wasn't for her I would never had a chance to roast coffee. This is not the first new experiance she has given this family. My wife is always getting ethopian food from her (It is spicy but very good). She invited us to an ethopian wedding ( So far to date one of best weddings I have been to. Excellent dance music, food and all the way around fun. Anyways Thank you Zuzu you are the best.

 

                     Next I did take pictures to go with the stories but they aren't ready yet. As soon as I get them downloaded onto my pc I will upload them here. Finnally the roasting process itself. It was remarkably easier than I thought. We preheated the oven to 350 and spread the beans evenly on a pan. put the pan in the oven and watched as they turned from an olive green to a dark tan. (about 15 minutes) The smells that came from the oven as the beans roasted was fantastic. It slowly started to fill the kitchen. MMmmm. I knew this was going to fun. After they came out of the oven they had a thin skin on them so we rubbed this skin off wich revealed a dark brown glossy bean underneath. I gotta tell you I was a little nervous about this at first because when they first came out of the oven with their skin on, the color and texture was not quite what I am used to seeing. However after removing the skin the glossy dark brown bean I am used to came through. Next we had to decide on the brewing method.

 

                   While I enjoy esspresso I thought for this experiment I wanted a brewing method which allowed more flavor to come through. I also wanted to try a couple of things and I did not have alot of beans so I did not use my drip coffee maker because it would have used to much of the coffee. So that left my french press and my little baby perculator. I started with the french press. I ground to a course ground and then brewed my first cup of self roasted fresh ethopian coffee. I know it was most likly because of my excitement and anticapation but that was the best cup of coffee ever. I think I allowed the coffee to seep just a shade to long because there was a slight bitter aftertaste. Something I usually don't notice when I use my french press. The most noticable flavor however was a chocolate taste. with a slight popcorn after taste. Also there was a slight taste of my oven. It seems that the coffee will absorb some of the flavors of the oven its cooked in. Next I used my baby perc. The chocolate flavor showed through a lot more also it was less bitter.It seemed as though there was a lot more oils in the coffee using the perc. All in all it was a fantastic couple of cups of coffee.

 

                I am going to take a break from my coffee delieveries for a while. My coffee list has really grown and I just do not have the time lately. Also a small note about the phone bill. For ten bucks  extra a month I added free nights and weekends. This should help. They also allowed me to work out a payment plan. However I am slightly confused about this plan. If it costs me ten bucks a month how can it be free?

 

           Our list of BlogWalkers is growing! Just a small piece of advice. As our list grows it will get harder and harder to visit everyone and I do not want you guys to burn on this. So I recomend taking your time while visiting your fellow walkers. It is not critical that you go and view everyones opinion all in one day. We have all week before the next topic posts. Besides I find it fun to see what else you guys are posting besides just the walks. on that note:

 

Tuesdays blog topic:

 

                                      I am going to vent. So if you do not want to hear about my stupid little day to day frustrations Come back Monday.

 

                                  I can not believe it! I got my phone bill today and just about fell out. $500 OMFG WTF and other explitives that are unprintable!!!!!!! I do not have a land line. I have 2 cells one for me and one for my wife. We have free unlimited calls to each other. I have free unlimited incoming calls. I have one thousand five hundred minutes anytime available minutes. All this for about 75 bucks a month. Not to bad a deal. Until today I have been pretty happy with the service so I will even through in some free advertisement their way. I get all this from US cingular. The bill is not their fault. OH no. Since we do not have a land line my wife allows the kids to use the phone. Before anyone gets the wrong idea I also let the kids use the phone however I work evenings and since the kids are sleeping or at school when I am home and I take my phone with me when I go to work they really do not get a chance to use it much. Anywho. For some ungodly unknown reason this month they went two thousand minutes over  my one thousand five hundred limit. How in the name of Bell did they do this? I have like a 25 page front and back itemized list which reads like the CIA's Aprroved phone tap list. I do not have 500 Bucks so EVERYONE is going to lose phone service until this is paid. I am pretty sure I know who is responsible however I know HE does not have 500 bucks. AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!

 

Breath

Breath

breath

BREATH

BREATH

Dam it Ben Breath!

 

            Ok. I will be ok. I'll figure something out I always do. Its only a phone.

 

             If your still here and signed up for the blog walk go and welcome our two new members. I enjoyed reading everyones view and was suprised as many people went ahead and shared them with us. I figured we would not all see eye to eye on this issue but it doesn't really mater. What maters is that we are all willing to share and understand that just because we view the world differently doesn't mean that we still can't live on the same planet. Next week will be lighter. I think I will follow the format of my origanal blog walk mistress (She had the best topics but no longer holds them) and go one week light the next week serious than back to light. We will see how that goes. Also before I sign out I want to thank each and everyone of you for your well wishes and nice comments regarding me and my wifes anniversery. I am hoping that next year this time I will be talking to you from Jamicia (Although with phone bills like.....Easy Ben it will be ok)

 

                     Well MSN is making it tuff today to go and visit all of you so once again I did not finish my rounds. I will be back in the wee hours of the morning to finish. I made a couple of changes to my list of walkers so I wont forget to visit all of you guys. Just so you all know just because your name is not under the Posted link does not mean they haven't posted yet. It just means I haven't got around to visiting them yet.

 

                     Yesterday went very well and my wife absolutly loved her present which is good because I had no cash so I had to improvise with what I had. Some advise to you guys who are broke but want to let your girl know you care. Old pictures (wedding if you got em) good music and some artistic arranging may work (It did for me anywaz )

 

                    Well I am off to work. C U aO

                 

 

 

                           Today is me and my wifes 19th Anniversery. Or as I like to put it The Day that is a year before the day that we were married twenty years ago. Go ahead read it again. It makes sense I promise. Anyways as such I am not going to be spending to much time on the computer. However since it is monday I can't leave you with nothing. So here is some good stuff.

 

                          First a preview of next weeks monday morning coffee. A wonderful friend of my wifes just returned from a eight week vacation. Well it was a trip back home which a guess to most is a vacation. The point? Oh I am getting to it just hold on. Her parents live in Ethopia. The birth place of the coffee tree. Oh I am salvitating already. She has brought back some green beans from her mothers small coffee grove. Next weekend I will be roasting and brewing said beans. I have never done this before and I am very anxious to try.

 

                        Second since I do not have a real coffee story today I am going to follow the lead of the hit show "Lost" and play a rerun.

 

                           On some days I think the simplest of coffees is best. Do not get me wrong. I enjoy the so called foo foo drinks as much as the next coffee drinker however some days are made for plain simple coffee. When I was young my family would quite often go on camping trips. Some of my fondest childhood memories revolve around these trips. We would drive out to the middle of nowhere, leave all the hubbub of the daily grind behind us and pitch a tent. I would spend the day exploring and playing till the sun would set. Crawl into the warmth of my sleeping bag and try and sleep until the afternoon. I never was a morning person. But no matter how hard I tried to sleep in I would always be awakened by the smells of campfire breakfast. It was usually eggs and bacon. But the smell that always got me going was the smell of campfire coffee. Even though I was not a coffee drinker at the time I loved the smell of that old perculater. It was coffee at its simpelist. Just some local water perked over some inexpensive canned coffee. The coffee pot was alluminum or some simular metal and the coffee was poured into old metal cups. There was always a few grounds in every cup but it didn't mater. I loved wakeing to that smell. Being the stubburn child that I was I wouldn't get out of my bag until someone told me I had to. Instead I would lie there all curled up and warm. listning to the fire crackle and the birds chat with each other. All the while inhaling the wonderful clean air and smells of fresh campfire coffee.

 

                     Finally last but not least a topic for Tuesdays Blogwalk. We had two Nice and easy topics lets try something a little harder. Something which requires YOUR opinion. I know you guys have opinions. How about we share some. In the news their have been two instances where this topic came up and I was going to cover each one individully, But really I think it all boils down to one topic. (man I am rambling tonight)

 

 

Holy crap I almost forgot! One of my Long time blog friends Made Best of MSN! ( What a Good friend I am.) She was featured this week and with the new format everyone can vote on their favorite of the spaces featured. She has like a landslide victory with over 66% of the votes going to her! Go check her site out. (like she isn't getting enough hits already  ) Anyways you can find her at http://spaces.msn.com/members/Mainebikerchick/

While your their mabee you can convince her to join our awesome blog walk thingie.

 

Also Meghna has returned from her trip and has put up her entry for this week. Stop by and welcome her home wont you? http://spaces.msn.com/MUSINGSANDDREAMS/